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We’ve all been on a bar crawl… or a million. Been there. Done that. They’ve become so boring that people feel the need to wear Snuggies to give them new life. In my opinion, it’s time to make them more epic… epic-ness that cannot be gained through a piece of fleece with sleeves.

© Essen Haus

In order to create a truly memorable bar crawl, you should come up with a theme for the evening, hopefully combining some of your interests. For example, this bar crawl is great for anyone that loves traveling, studying abroad, and/or booze.

Start at ESSEN HAUS (514 E. Wilson St.) aka Germany. Share das boot with your friends. You should also consume some food… otherwise this is going to be a rough night. – Estimated time: 1 hour

Continue on to FRIDA MEXICAN GRILL (117 State St.). Olé! You’ll want to start with tequila shots and then get a “Gigantic.” This a perfect opportunity for margarita races. Pair up into teams of two with one Gigantic per team. First team to finish wins. Last team to finish takes the check. Bottoms up! – Estimated time: 1 hour

Gather up the troops and carry on to IRISH PUB (317 State St.). While this place is sketchy and dingy, when it’s dark out and you’re drunk, it’s the perfect place to be obnoxious and take over the dartboards and jukebox. Stop and do Irish car bombs. Wash ‘em down with a Guinness or Strongbow. – Estimated time: 30 minutes

© JPundit Blog

Snack time! Go to TAKARA JAPANESE RESTAURANT (315 State St.) for some edamame, gyoza, and sushi, if you can handle it. Don’t forget the sake bombs! Ichi ni san… SAKE BOMB! – Estimated time: 1 hour

Finish off with some good old Americana… BROTHER’S BAR (704 University Ave.). This can be substituted for whatever bar is your favorite/closest to your house/has the best drink specials that night. – Estimated time: Remainder of the evening

Total estimated bar crawl time: 3.5 hours + time spent at final bar destination

So, there you have it. In one night, you went to Germany, Mexico, Ireland, Japan, and back to America with one heck of a buzz. Salut!

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My fellow collegians, I come to you today with not a rant, but a warning. Consider this a public service announcement. Trust me, if you do not heed my warning, “that guy” is bound to ruin your party. “That guy” comes in various forms, from the boy that sat behind you in French class to your life-long childhood friend. Any guy is capable of being “that guy.” With that said, there are five “that guy” prototypes that are guaranteed to ruin any party, regardless of how much booze you have.

1. The YouTube-r

© YouTube

I start with the YouTube-r because of his predominance on college campuses. Unlike other prototypes I will mention later, the YouTube-r possesses no extraordinary skill, such as having a liver made of steel or numerous lonely years of guitar practice in his basement. If you have an internet connection and a spare five minutes, you too could be the YouTube-r! Now thanks to improved phone web browsers (Thanks, Steve Jobs) any old idiot can become the YouTube-r anywhere in the public sphere. The YouTube-r is pretty easy to spot. He’s the guy that’s beelining it to your computer while your party is in full swing. Suddenly, you hear your iTunes stop. Uh oh, party’s over, you’ve got yourself a YouTube-r. Now that he’s got himself glued to the captain’s chair, this guy is going to proceed to show you all the “really funny” YouTube videos that he streamed during work this week, all the while hoping that this will demonstrate to everyone at the party just how funny he is. The awkward thing about the YouTube-r is that he’s usually someone that you know well, at least someone that you would allow to touch your computer without assuming he was trying to steal it. In fact, in most cases, the YouTube-r is someone you really like. This makes a YouTube attack on your party appear inevitable. My advice is to play your playlist on an iPod and pretend that your computer is broken (This is particularly believable if you use a Dell) or kid-lock YouTube on your computer and play drunk when your “friend” needs to know the password.

2. The One-Upper

The One-Upper probably initiated this. © Gadget Crunch Blog

The One-Upper is that guy who walks in to a party and immediately has to up the ante. If you’re drinking beers, he wants tequila shots. If you’re doing shots, he’s prepping the beer bong. He is that guy that is on an epic quest for the worst hangover of his life and is bringing you all along for the ride. Saddle up, Seabiscuit, it’s going to be one hell of a night. After an evening out with this idiot, you will probably have to call up the campus bars in search of your ID and dignity. The One-Upper works by first infiltrating your group as your fun party friend that you meet at bars while already intoxicated. Once you invite him to a pre-game, though, the One-Upper acts like it’s his first day of freshman year all over again. The sneaky thing about the One-Upper is that, although he’s annoying you with his immature antics, you keep drinking. Avoid the One-Upper, unless you’re really jonesing a round-trip to detox.

3. The Lower-Backer

The Lower-Backer is a genuinely nice guy who has a creepy drinking tick. When you put four beers in the Lower-Backer, he immediately believes it is not only acceptable, but necessary, that he lower-back every girl in the room. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of lower-backing when it occurs in a committed, monogamous relationship, but you can’t just go around lower-backing every girl you see. First off, it comes off as an invasion of space. Secondly, it’s just plain creepy. Keep your hands to yourself, drunkie.

4. The Guitar Hero

This guy is a TOTAL Guitar Hero. ©How Stuff Works

The Guitar Hero is easily recognisable. He will have a guitar in his hand and one to three girls huddled around him as he plays some Beatles song that he found the tab for online. Like the YouTube-r has his wi-fi, the Guitar Hero has his guitar as his social crutch. This guy might be shy or awkward in social situations, but put a guitar in his hand and he becomes a regular Chris Carrabba. While the Guitar Hero is generally non-offensive, once he starts playing music man in the middle of the party, any human that is not a desperately single college girl will want to kill him or at least sack him in the stomach. There is clearly a reason that this idiot spent the majority of high school tucked away in his basement.

5. The Freshman

If you see this at your party, you've got yourself a freshman. © Dyestat

The Freshman is the kid that a friend of a friend of a friend dragged along to your party. The Freshman will spend the majority of the night looking lost. He might still be wearing his class ring or referencing his high school friends that nobody cares about. This is all somewhat sad and pathetic, but not an altogether party kill. After the Freshman has consumed one beer, he will immediately start acting like the drunken moron for 30 minutes before begging for someone to take him to detox. He is not drunk. He does not need detox. All he really needs is some good old common sense… or an RA. This is the very reason why yours truly does not take in stray freshmen. They are like little puppies, cute and adorable but not at all worth the upkeep… Plus, you don’t want to have to worry about them humping your friend’s leg.

Do you have a “that guy” in your life or at your party? I suggest sending him this link as a subtle hint. If you just got this in an email from someone you know, don’t worry, friend, it’s never too late to become a tolerable human being.

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Josh & Andrea from the show. © MTV

Every time I go into the Nitty, I secretly hope that I will see one of the cast members of MTV’s spring mistake “College Life.” It is not that I find them particularly interesting, nor do I think they have captured any sort of fame or fan following from the show besides being television’s token idiots for a semester. (Not that I can blame them; if it had been me, I doubtlessly would be in the same self-loathing situation.) No, the reason I want to see one of these children is to verify that they truly exist.

I’m clearly skeptical. This is why yours truly could never be a reality television cast member:

1. What type of lame parties would allow cameras in? Even better question, who would want to go to one of these parties? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I like to party and my circle of friends likes to party even more. (Heck, we made a business out of our love of the party.) Our decisions are not always the most sound but we’re all in the same sinking ship, so no one is in any position to judge. Now, send last night’s footage to your professors, your parents, your local law enforcement and the end result is more than just a Bloody Mary at Chaser’s and having your friends help you piece back together the evening. Only an idiot would invite a camera into their evening. Whether it’s a YouTube video or a reality series on MTV, it’s always tacky.

2. The true college experience is not glamorous or even interesting enough to film. There are 24 hours in a day. I spend about 9 hours sleeping, 2 hours eating, 4 hours going to class or watching terrible daytime TV, 4 hours studying, 2 hours procrastinating, 1 hour working out, and 2 hours watching (more) terrible TV. Tell me, which part of this day would you want to watch? It’s my life and I wouldn’t even want to watch it.

3. I can’t even stick to my class schedule, let alone a filming schedule.

4. I am confident that I curse too much. I curse so much that I can’t think of acceptable words to replace my curse words. What about the “mature” subject matter that is inevitably about of all college life? Are there any restrictions on that? Show me the college students that don’t curse and that don’t talk about things that are inappropriate for television, and I’ll show you a group of kids that are probably in high school.

© The Critical Badger Blog

5. I cannot make it up Bascom Hill gracefully, and I doubt  you can either. Fall, winter, spring, summer… one thing is constant in my life and that is that I never look ready for my close-up en route to/from class. During summer, I am winded and sweating like a pig. During winter, I am always that girl that wipes out on the icy patch because I wear stupid boots with bad traction. I hope to avoid anyone I know while on the hill. I camouflage myself with large hats and oversized sunglasses. I am not inviting a camera to join me on the hike.

In short, I am completely unqualified for reality television. To me, the cast members of “College Life” are mythical creatures, little unicorns that I hope to see roaming the streets of Madison this fall.

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-theManagement

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